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The Ten Commandments
God's rules that must be carved in stone onto every building in America. They were originally found in the Jewish Bible, which is one of the main reasons anybody still reads the Old Testament. The Commandments Then God spoke all these words: I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; #You shall have no other gods before me. Especially Zeus, that guy is such a douche. #You shall not make for yourself an image, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments. #You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name, goddamn it! #Remember the sabbath day, and keep it holy. The Colberts may also keep two accompanying days holy as well. Friday and Saturday are good. #Honor your father and your mother, or they will constantly leave voice-mail messages asking why you haven't called. #Don't kill (unless the other person is not of Christian faith, is gay, or is associated with Nancy Pelosi), actually quote me as just saying Don't kill. #You shall not commit adultery or be gay. #Don't steal. #Ehh, you know, Don't lie. #You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor. ...and 5 others that Lynn Westmoreland promised to email to me. The Lost Commandments 11. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's tax cut or congressional page. (Homosexuality is a sin.) 12. Do not take The Party or Stephen's name in vain. 13. Thou shall not double dip. 14. Thou shalt not further the agenda of care bears. They're evil killing machines! The GOP's Ten Commandments The Republican Party published a new set of Commandments to help them defeat the hippie gay libural democrats for the 2010 2012 elections so they can take back America from Satan. All Republicans must pledge allegiance to the New Commandments but also sign a pledge of eternal loyalty to retain party purity. Any moderate Republicans who fails to retain party purity will be purified with Holy Water and burning acid. "The Ten Commandments - Republican-Style" I. Thou shalt talk about Christian principles, but not live by them. II. Thou shalt attack opponents personally when you can't win on policies. III. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, but be in favor of the death penalty. IV. Thou shalt call yourself pro-life, and put guns in the hands of school children. V. Thou shalt give lip service to democracy while taking away civil liberties. VI. Profit is the Lord Thy God, thou shalt not put the people's interest above those of your corporate contributors. VII. Thou shalt make sure fetuses have health coverage, but leave children and babies behind. VIII. Thou shalt bear false witness against your opponents and liberals, and demonize them. IX. Thou shalt run on a moderate platform, then enact right-wing policies as soon as possible. X. Thou shalt call the media liberal, so that people forget that the media is owned by corporations with a conservative fiscal agenda. Fun Factoids * Republicans are not required to know the Ten Commandments. Mentioning a few of them constantly is godly enough. Especially the one about sodomy. * Originally there were 20 Commandments, but Moses dropped a tablet. * Some of those missing commandments were really good ones too, like thou shalt not be a dirty hippie tree hugging liberal democrat factonista. *Sixty percent of Americans can't name five of the Ten Commandments. - USA Today, Americans Get An 'F' In Religion See Also * No Child Left Behind * Lynn Westmoreland * The Ten Plagues * New Commandments External Sources *Bush family profits from God *Westmoreland's Commandments - as provided to Stephen Colbert in an interview